It’s wild that I am writing THIS on today to get my thoughts, emotions, feelings and heartache out in ink.
Serenity is peace, wisdom, maturation, experienced and clear headedness.
Even as I type, I am reminded of seemingly every time I got in the car; some FRED HAMMOND song was on the radio and STAND by Donnie McClurklin was on the radio as a blessed assurance, this is mine.
IT WAS THE DOUBLE RAINBOW FOR ME ONE DAY.
As I laugh through these tears that I am trying to hold back (You cried for me and with the kids), today is the day we see you since your ascension.
These tears may be private, this smile might be big but this is a hurt I have never experiences.
I have felt the loss of a mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, mother in love, family and even friends but NEVER a spouse.
We shared life and living.
We populated this place.
We invested in and withdrew from each other but we did it together.
Our love language may have looked and sounded strange to others on the outside but we knew each other and since we were the ones in this union, to me: THAT is all that I cared about;
YOU GOT ME AND I GOT YOU!
You always was comical, a jokester but never in a facetious manner but a loving manner.
YOU KNEW I HATED you joking and playing with me and you STILL did it because you knew it was never to hurt or harm but just do what people do; laugh at things they feel is funny.
You pulled a BIG JOKE with these BOZO SHOES you left for me. We made pact in blood (Our joke); you take care of EVERYTHING literally and my job was to make sure the children had their needs met.
Liiiissen, I have seen the inside of the mall in 2 weeks than I have in all of my life. (Talking about CLUMSY).
I have seen the kids EVERY SINGLE day of which is confirming my headspace, my will and my role.
I have seen not what I didn’t know but NOW I KNOW who you were, what you have done and how you moved and I am honored, grateful, thankful and appreciative because GOD SAW FIT TO BLESS ME.
But yet, these BOZO SHOES you left me gone have to be scaled back, downsized, de-shaped, and un-big.
What wasn’t funny, is the model of a MAN you showed the son, what to and not to accept from a MAN for the girls and what a PAW PAW’s love feels like to a NICU baby who loved those HUGS of protection, tickles, whispers and assurance of what a PAW PAW is supposed to be and do.
With BOZO SHOES, there is no rushing, moving swiftly, not smelling the roses, seeing the sun or being in the moment with people you love and cherish because well, they are TOO BIG to do all of just.
You were a man that was TOO BIG.
You gave TOO BIG.
You loved us TOO BIG.
You showed up for us TOO BIG
You taught us life altering lessons TOO BIG
In all of these TOO BIG; yet you were invisible, silent and even as they were taking you down on the stretcher; you were tell the EMT workers to slow down and you were trying to grab the wall as they were hurriedly trying to get you to the ER.
The TOO BIG you were for us is the same TOO BIG I was for us; it just looked differently but WE ARE MY COMICAL REASON FOR FIGHTING for humanity, justice, equality, equity FOR ALL.
Wowwwww…